


It's You

by 82nd



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 04:49:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11844267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/82nd/pseuds/82nd
Summary: Taeyang finds it more annoying than anything. Liking one of his bandmates wasn’t in his plans to be a successful idol. He feels it like the mild discomfort that comes with having a pebble stuck in your shoe. Other days, he thanks every one of his choices that led to him being in this group.





	It's You

**Author's Note:**

> My first fanfic. The timeline for this is predebut-future. This follows some events like the NEOZ School fashion show and references some other things.

Taeyang finds it more annoying than anything. Liking one of his bandmates wasn’t in his plans to be a successful idol. He feels it like the mild discomfort that comes with having a pebble stuck in your shoe. Other days, he thanks every one of his choices that led to him being in this group, with Seokwoo.  
They’re filming their fashion show, he sits next to Seokwoo and wonders when he started noticing the elegant angles on the others’ face. The brows that frame his face, not too gently and not too harshly. At what point in time did Seokwoo’s smile begin to mean more to Taeyang than just an indicator of the elder’s mood. They’re sitting inches apart but he wonders why it really feels like he’s an ocean away. The rhythm of the waves like the endless dance practices that fill their days.  
“What are you thinking about?” Jaeyoon’s bright smile pops into his line of vision, an iceberg to stop his wandering thoughts.

“Yeah, hyung?” Taeyang gets up and looks around at the rest of the boys.

“Can you film my part?” Taeyang grabs the camera and begins from Jaeyoon’s top. Seokwoo throws his arm around Jaeyoon’s shoulder. Taeyang wonders why, even though he’s the one looking at every inch of Jaeyoon through the camera lens, it feels like he’s the one getting picked apart. Jaeyoon is leaning down and looking up at Taeyang with soft eyes. Jaeyoon nudges Rowoon gently in Inseong’s direction.

“The pants make the outfit.” He remembers he’s supposed to be filming Jaeyoon.

“The coating makes my legs look slimmer.” Jaeyoon continues. If Taeyang is being honest, he’s proud of his members. Their boisterous laughter in the back is really the soundtrack to his new life. One where dating a band member isn’t looked up to, not that he’s thought of dating one of them.  
Jaeyoon’s smile is gentle in all the ways Taeyang isn’t and maybe that’s why he has such a soft spot for him.  
-  
Seokwoo enters his room and settles on Hwiyoung’s side of the bed, peeling an orange. Taeyang doesn’t look up and continues to read his Japanese book. Because somehow, learning dozens of kanji was easier than pretending he wasn’t a little miffed with Seokwoo.  
His book is nudged from his hand by Seokwoo’s foot. 

“Is there something I did wrong today?” Taeyang doesn’t turn to look up. He figures he’s allowed his tantrums every now and again. 

Not taking the hint, Seokwoo leans his head onto the book and turns to look up at Taeyang. The anger catches in his throat. How can he tell Seokwoo it’s because he made a face when Taeyang tried to give him a peck on the cheek. He thinks its not fair, Seokwoo can pick up and hug the members all he wants but Taeyang can’t do the same to him. But if life was fair, he wouldn’t be here right now. He thinks of all the luck he’s used to get to where he is, sitting on this bed and angry at his bandmate. Then he stops, because he’s beginning to think he sounds a bit bratty.  
“You’re not that important” Taeyang lies. 

Seokwoo slaps his shoulder and sits up.  
“You’re so annoying sometimes you know.” Seokwoo tells him. Any other day he could have let the remark slide off his shoulders, but today, it stings his heart a bit. So Taeyang just gives him a little smile.  
They sit in silence until they’re called out to dinner.  
\--

Taeyang puts on his coat, it’s cold and he can’t risk getting sicker. He exhales through his stuffy nose, the constant schedules weren’t helping his recovery.

“Where are you going?” He hears Seokwoo call.

“Going for a walk.” Taeyang ties his shoelaces and gets up. Seokwoo is right behind him, putting shoes on.

“I’ll come with you” Seokwoo says. They exit the dorm into the chilly winter night. He feels warmer with Seokwoo walking next to him, he turns to look up at the elder and exhales. His mind is heavy, like a cool foggy morning after a storm and he doesn’t know if he’s just tired of whatever his feelings are, the schedules, or his current sick state. In reality, he figures it’s a combination of all the things. Everything chips away at him and he doesn’t think the result would be anything beautiful, like the David or something.  
Seokwoo chuckles and puts an arm around him. 

“I was expecting you to win against Chanhee in thumb wrestling” Seokwoo starts. His presence like water, filling the container they’re put in, he fits the spaces when the others are a little too tired to be loud. Taeyang is grateful for this and for Seokwoo’s ability to reel them back in when they’re a little too out of hand. 

“Yeah, but you scratched my finger. I’m blaming you for my loss.” He brings his hand up to show the other. Seokwoo places a small kiss on the angry red line across his thumb. Taeyang slaps the hand hanging on his shoulder. 

“If you get sick, it’s not my fault.” 

“It’ll be okay.” 

They pretend Seokwoo is talking about imminent sickness and not about whatever moods Taeyang is going through. They duck into a convenience store and he remembers his trainee days, when the members would sometimes grab snacks before heading back to the dorm. Their laughter lifting the weight of doubt about their debut off their shoulders. He doesn’t necessarily miss those days, but he could really use a break.

Seokwoo grabs a couple bags of chips and two cans of iced coffee. Taeyang looks around at the bright lights in the store. He runs his fingers through the various candies, their shiny rappers reflect back at him. He thinks of grabbing one for Jaeyoon as a thank you for buying him some medicine the other day but Seokwoo’s already finished paying so they head out.  
Their steps fall in to a steady rhythm that mirrors his own heartbeat. By now, he’s learned to keep himself at normal whenever Seokwoo is too close. They talk about small things, the chatter filling the space between them. The park comes into view after a 10 minute walk and they settle on the picnic table and rip open the chips. The air is crisp and edgy, like Chanhee, Taeyang thinks and chuckles to himself. 

“I probably shouldn’t have got you a cold drink now that I think about it. Poor baby is sick!” Seokwoo feigns grabbing both drinks. “I’ll drink them both.” 

“Hyuuuung” Taeyang whines. Seokwoo laughs and opens up the can for him. The coffee falls bitter on Taeyang’s tongue like when he thinks about his feelings for Seokwoo too much. 

“Taeyang.” Seokwoo starts and the world seems to come to a halt. Taeyang forgets to breathe, the air feels heavier, so he sniffles as a response.

“Can I ask you something?” Taeyang looks at him. He thinks he’s never seen Seokwoo this serious and his face is straight as he takes a drink of the coffee. “Mhm?” Taeyang mumbles back.

“…” Seokwoo stares at other. Taeyang shifts his coat, he’s a bit uncomfortable but he’s not sure if it’s the cold or the man sitting in front of him. He stares down at the crumbs from the chips and fiddles with them. Strangely he sees his likeness in the crumbs. Seokwoo smiles, “Do you like Youngkyun?” Taeyang looks up at him in mild disbelief.

“Of course I like him. I like all of you guys” He pretends Seokwoo didn’t just ask him about loving another band mate. The winter air is cold but Taeyang feels hot, he can feel the beads of sweat form in his forehead. He hopes Seokwoo plays along and drops the conversation, but Taeyang has used to all his luck. 

“You know what I mean.” Taeyang looks up at buildings that surround them. If this were like one of those dramas his mom watches this would be *the* moment to confess. But if this were to be Taeyang’s perfect drama, Seokwoo would be the one confessing because even in his dreams he is still too scared to do it himself. He wonders how he went through years of endless practices, never doubting himself, but when coming face to face with this other man, he becomes a shell of insecurity. 

“Do you like Inseong hyung?” Taeyang fires back and Seokwoo laughs. Taeyang recalls those little moments between those two that he pretended didn’t mean more than he thought. The constant hand holding with little reassuring squeezes that made Taeyang’s spine shiver even when he tried his best to ignore it. Taeyang grabs more chips, hoping the crunching in his mouth was loud enough to drown out his own thoughts.  
“What do you mean?” It’s Seokwoo’s turn to feign but Taeyang says nothing, only stares. “I don’t. He’s just someone I talk to about things… You know, like the kind of things that keep people up at night.” Taeyang fiddles with the crumbs again and waits for him to continue. “I have my doubts about things. I’m not as good as the hyungs at singing or you in dancing or I’m not as funny as Sanghyuk.” 

Taeyang has a lump in his throat that suspiciously feels like pain because in his eyes, Seokwoo is perfect. No matter how many faults Taeyang finds in him, to lie to himself in hopes of dismantling his feelings, he knows he loves him anyway. He doesn’t know what to say so he reaches a hand out and Seokwoo holds it.

“I don’t like Youngkyun that way. He’s my roommate so I’m just very comfortable with him. You know that.” Taeyang squeezes Rowoon’s hand then lets it go in favor of taking a drink of his coffee. 

“I’m happy.” Seokwoo suddenly says. Taeyang only thinks that at least one of them is. 

\--

Their promotions are over for now and the members get the day off. Jaeyoon opens the room door to wake them up but Taeyang is already picking the clothes he’s going to wear today. Jaeyoon leans against the frame of the door “Pick the black shirt with the letters in the front”.

“That would go with these pants huh?” Taeyang tilts his head, his bed head hair falling to the side along with it. 

“You seem livelier these days.” Jaeyoon notes. Taeyang loves Jaeyoon, he really does, but he’s too observant for Taeyang’s like sometimes. It’s not like he wants to make anything about himself a big deal.

“Seokwoo’s gone for the day, back home.” He pauses what he’s doing. 

“I hope he has fun.” Taeyang replies and resumes his outfit picking. Youngkyun stirs and Jaeyoon moves to shake him gently awake. 

“I’d figured you’d like to know.” Jaeyoon tells him. 

“…” Taeyang grabs his towel and walks to the shower, his strides sounding especially heavy.

\--

When they get to the dorm Taeyang heads towards the kitchen to get a glass of water and chats with the other members. He notes Seokwoo’s eyes on him so he turns around and follows Youngkyun to their room. He’s in the middle of changing his pajamas when Youngkyun leaves to go shower. He pulls his shorts up and starts to follow the younger when a large body blocks the entrance. He hears a faint “Seokwoo…” from Youngbin before the door is closed. 

“Why’d you say that?” Seokwoo begins. His brows are furrowed and if it weren’t for Seokwoo’s curled fists, Taeyang might think he looked more distressed than angry. Taeyang takes a couple steps back but doesn’t sit, he’s tired of looking up. 

“We’re not awkward.” Seokwoo tells him matter of factly. 

“I know.” Taeyang wonders if it’s even possible to be in a one sided awkward relationship. But the past few weeks, he’s interacted with the elder less and less and it feels like a weight is lifting off him. 

“So, why’d you say that?” 

“Why weren’t you mad at Chanhee when he said the same thing to you?” Taeyang fires back. He wasn’t one to get angry, but he really didn’t want to be here right now. 

“He explained he just didn’t want to pick anybody else and he’s comfortable with me.” Seokwoo takes a step forward. The sounds from outside the room have quieted down. Taeyang feels that inkling of annoyance.

“Then it’s the same with me!” Taeyang side steps the other and tries to reach the door before a hand grabs him. 

“That’s not true. Give me your own reason.” Taeyang tries to pull his hand away but Seokwoo is strong for the so called telephone pole. 

“Why do you care? Don’t you think cornering me like this isn’t awkward?” 

“If I thought it was I wouldn’t have done it.” Seokwoo lets him go “And of course I care, what are you even saying. You’re my band mate I don’t want to you think about us that way.”

“It was just a question and I answered it.” He finally turns to look at Seokwoo and regrets it. Now, its unmistakably sadness. “I just meant that we haven’t talked a lot lately.” It’s true. 

“Okay.” Seokwoo looks satisfied with that answer. “Why didn’t you just say so at first.”

“I was annoyed at being stalked into my room.” Taeyang responds and takes a seat on his bed. He hears the noise outside resume.

“Fair enough. I just wanted to talk.” Seokwoo goes to exit the room. “Let’s have another walk sometime.” Taeyang nods. 

“By the way, this is mine, I’m taking it.” Seokwoo picks up a shirt off the floor before getting hit with a stuffed toy Taeyang chucks at him.  
\--

The bright stage lights blind him before his eyes adjusts. It’s SF9’s one year anniversary. One of the things Taeyang admires about Seokwoo is how he keeps his word. After that argument, they did start to talk more. His feelings waned to a dull ache in the back of his head. He attributes it to some kind of exposure therapy, the longer he’s around, the more used to it he gets. So his little crush was really just a phase, he thinks. 

Backstage he removes his sweaty jacket while Youngbin gathers them up for a speech. They end it with a cheer and for once he can feel things looking up. If he thinks about it in terms of things he likes, Taeyang is on the downhill part of a rollercoaster. After a while, he hopes he’s ready to park and a different roller coaster, except this time he’ll strap his seatbelt, and keep his hands and feet inside at all times. 

They pile into the cars and head home to order a feast as celebration. He settles next to Seokwoo and gives him a bright smile. 

“What are you so happy about?” Seokwoo nudges at him.

“It’s our anniversary how could I not be?” Taeyang wiggles a bit, not able to contain his excitement.

Seokwoo doesn’t respond, just chuckles at him. They ride as they sing along to the radio. When they get to the dorm, Juho and Sanghyuk are arguing over what kind of pizza they want to order. 

“You guys are thinking too small.” Taeyang notes. “Just get both kinds and order some chicken while you’re at it.” 

“Yes, crispy chicken with that honey sauce!” Sanghyuk yells and runs to the elevator. 

“No, the kind with the spicy sauce.” Juho shouts after him.

They order both kinds in the end. 

Taeyang gets up to wash the dishes and Jaeyoon follows him. He doesn’t need to be a rocket scientist to know Jaeyoon wants to talk to him. “How does it feel?” Jaeyoon asks him as he turns the water on. 

“How does what feel? One year since we debuted? Pretty good, but I think there’s still lots of growing to do.” He lathers the sponge with soap and begins with the pot they used to make ramen. Jaeyoon is leaning his head against the fridge with a small smile. Taeyang has never really figured out what goes through his hyung’s mind, but he has an inkling. 

“I think so too. I also think that things will get better.” Taeyang’s throat feels tight and hot so he just continues to scrub. “For you.” Jaeyoon concludes. Taeyang looks up and motions for Jaeyoon to join him. 

“Yeah.” Taeyang whispers. He doesn’t know if he’s reassuring himself or Jaeyoon. 

\--  
Taeyang steps out into the balcony to feel the fresh autumn air. Seokwoo appears and leans against the railings next to him. It’s SF9’s 11th year anniversary. 

“What’s up.” Taeyang starts.

“How are you enjoying the party?” Seokwoo takes a sip of his beer.

“It’s good. Everyone is having fun!” 

“What about you?”

Taeyang pauses. “Yeah.” 

“You don’t sound very convincing.” Seokwoo turns his back and leans against the railing. 

“No, I’m being serious. I’m enjoying it. I just needed some fresh air.” It’s true. The chattering from the guests and his own bandmates was wearing him out. Taeyang enjoyed a good party, but really he’d rather just be at home. 

“Remember our first anniversary? When I asked you what you were happy about?” 

“No.” He thought he was over lying to Seokwoo but it’s easy to make a habit out of things when you do them for eleven years. Seokwoo looks at him from the corner of his eyes. “You’re so annoying sometimes.” And Taeyang laughs at that. 

“Why are *you* so happy?” Taeyang turns to look at Seokwoo’s brilliant smile. 

“Lots of things. I mean, we made it to ten years with everyone, our friends are here, I’m in a relationship, I’m standing here with you, I’ve got a movie coming up. I don’t know. Just lots of things” 

Taeyang hums in agreement. 

“Can I tell you something?” Seokwoo asks. 

“Yeah.” Taeyang leans his head on his arms and looks down at the moving cars. Seokwoo doesn’t say anything for a minute. 

“I liked you.” Seokwoo confesses. Taeyang counts the number of red cars that pass by in the street below. 

“I did too. I liked everyone. Or I wouldn’t be standing here right now.” He responds to the elder.

“Taeyang.” And he feels a shiver run down his spine. “I had a crush on you.” Seokwoo chuckles. 

Taeyang feels the familiar tightness in his throat. His heart drops and he didn’t know he had been standing on the peak of that familiar rollercoaster. He grips his own arms tightly and thinks about what Seokwoo just said. The cars whizzing down below begin to fade out into black before he remembers he needs to keep breathing. He turns to look up at the night sky but he feels his nerves sending wave after wave down his limbs. They tickle as they make their way through his legs, to his toes. There’s a lump in his throat causing him pain and his nose itches.

He laughs.

He’s looking at the building over and laughing. This is all too funny in the saddest way he could ever think of. Because if Taeyang is being truly and honest with himself, he never did stop loving Rowoon, he never got off the roller coaster. He never stopped longing for the smallest touches, he never stopped looking up when Seokwoo entered the room, he just got used to lying to himself. His vision is getting blurry but he can’t stop laughing. He feels sorry for the girls he (un)knowingly lied to and hurt over the years and his tears sting as they roll down his cheeks and Taeyang cries. He cries about it all for the first time in 11 years. Taeyang cries for all those nights he didn’t allow himself to cry. For those hugs, hand squeezes, those countless walks together. But most importantly he cries because it’s too late. 

“You’re so mean.” He manages to choke out in between sobs. 

It feels like he’s sitting under a torrential waterfall, Seokwoo’s calls are drowned out. The infinite possibilities and what ifs fall on his shoulders. What if he had had the courage to confess earlier, what if they both just knew, what if Taeyang had just kissed him at any point, what if. Taeyang’s thoughts are moving too fast, everything is too overwhelming, and it hurts too much so he clutches his chest.

He thinks it’s all too tragic to be like one of those dramas his mom watches, those have happy endings for the couple. If this were Taeyang’s perfect drama, Seokwoo’s statement wouldn’t have been past tense.

So he wipes his tears and slips out of the party. He has a recording session for his solo comeback tomorrow so he begins to calm his sobs. He tries to pick the car key out of his set of keys but his eyes are too blurry, he blinks the tears away to clear his vision and gets into his car and exhales. He sits for thirty minutes before he comes to the conclusion that he’s tired. He tries to pinpoint about what exactly, but truthfully, he’s tired of beating himself up, of ignoring things, and selling himself short. He’s ten years too old to be thinking about the possibilities of a love story that never blossomed. He can’t lie to himself that the pain will fade away quickly, but he’s made his way out of a cleansing ritual. His head sits on the steering wheel and his mind has never felt so empty and his back never felt lighter. He shifts the car into drive and heads out. If Jaeyoon were to say things were going to be looking up, he could finally wholeheartedly agree.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by parts of Vromance's I'm Fine. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, I'd love to hear feedback!


End file.
